A brief biography of Paula Broadwell

by Paige Parker

“Paula Broadwell, whose affair with the nation’s C.I.A. director led to his resignation on Friday, was the valedictorian of her high school class and homecoming queen, a fitness champion at West Point with a graduate degree from Harvard, and a model for a machine gun manufacturer.”  — The New York Times

Additional biographical facts about Paula Broadwell:
1. She bakes a pie crust using a recipe developed by NASA scientists.
2. She once bench-pressed a wolverine.
3. She is impervious to water.

It may have been those qualities — and a string of achievements that began in her native North Dakota, where she was state student council president, an all-state basketball player and orchestra concertmistress — that drew the attention of David H. Petraeus, the nation’s top spy and a four-star general, as the two spent hours together for a biography of Mr. Petraeus that Ms. Broadwell co-wrote.” — The New York Times

Footnotes and ephemera regarding Paula Broadwell:
4. There is no money in her household swear jar.
5.  Her hair just lies like that without a blow-out.
6. As student council president for all of North Dakota, she worked tirelessly to make the state less flat. She nearly succeeded.
7. Under her Etsy handle, Rightstuff, she sells patriotic phalluses.

“Ms. Broadwell is the soccer mom, married to a radiologist, who serves her family dinner by candlelight and walks her two boys to the bus stop every morning before school. She is the nice woman in the two-story brick house who wore a costume to hand out candy on Halloween.” — The New York Times

Might not make the final cut, but still critical to understanding the psyche of Paula Broadwell:

8. Her forthcoming book will explore the leadership qualities of soccer moms. Tentative title: “All In the Van.”

9. Her uterus is constructed of titanium.
10. She wishes the PTA would stop screwing around and learn Morse code.
11. She can breakdance.

12. At the touch of a button, she can shape-shift into a Roomba, a Magic Bullet Blender and a Garmin.